I keep going to write something on here and then stopping myself when my hands touch the keys...
I really try to only write when I have been particularly inspired by something.
I try to write when I feel like the Lord has taken the time to teach me a lesson that I have registered and understood. I may not be perfect in executing the lessons I have learned, but when I write them here, I usually at least understand them to a certain extent.
The trick is, for the past little while I have been battling some questions and ideas with answers that aren't particularly clear yet. My holding place for understanding hasn't been fully developed and it is driving me crazy.
In my head I keep envisioning myself as a little kid who's parents accidentally left her at Disney Land at the end of the day. I have a cell phone with me, but it has a low battery. I have just enough power to call my Dad to leave a message for him. I tell him exactly where I am and where he can pick me up before the phone goes dead. I know that my Dad is very loving, and would have realized almost immediately that I wasn't with him when he left. He knows me well and knows that I would be stressed and confused. He would want to come to my aid as soon as possible. I also know that my Dad is very good at checking his messages and that he would of course try to respond to my call quickly as well. Alas I can't seem to get ahold of him and have to wait there until he will come. I trust my Dad fully, and know he surely won't let me wait terribly long. Years of getting to know my Dad and many other people reaffirming to me that he is a man of his word lets me know all of this. But now the minutes of waiting have stretched into an hour. The park is closing and the other attendees are quickly clearing out. I borrow a couple of people's cellphones, but keep getting sent straight to voicemail. Darkness is coming on quickly. Eleven o'clock moves to twelve. Twelve moves to one. One to two. Two to Three....
Like I said I know my Dad, and I don't want to offend his name by letting my trust waver even in my head in the slightest.
I know he is coming for me.
But things are getting scarier... the street's night life is coming out and strangers are starting to move in my direction. I have a sinking feeling, but every so often I regroup and remind myself in whom I have trusted.
By four o'clock my trust is warn down.
I am terrified and confused, and as much as the mantras coming from my lips say, "I believe you."
A little voice in the back of my head is saying something that sounds a lot like, "Wait, maybe I don't."
It's kind of like a weird modern day version of the Fourth Watch.
Except today I'm not going to talk about how the Savior will come in the fourth watch after the winds have long been contrary us. I have already discussed that, and it is something I think most of us already understand at least conceptually.
So then where am I going with this?
You might think that perhaps I don't have anything particularly revelatory to share with you today.
And you'd be right.
Except for the thought that maybe it's ok that we have lost it a little.
God knows that we are human, and that there will be times when we will panic. Maybe that is one reason he felt the story of the man who asks the Savior for a blessing on his son in Mark was important enough to put in the Bible. When the man says, "Lord I believe, help thou mine unbelief," he allows us to see a moment of conflict in the human heart. "I believe you, but there is a part of me that is reasonably weary, and I need your help in eliminating that from my character."
The statement, "Perfect faith casteth out all fear," itself tells us that because of our limited human understanding, there will be times where there is fear to be had. Perfect faith is our goal, but it is something we have to earn, and not something we will magically always have.
Maybe it is ok that we are not completely level headed or hopeful in all of the ways our Father in Heaven is trying to shape us to be just yet.
Maybe it is ok that with some of the questions that are sitting on top of our hearts, we don't get to understand the answers yet (and maybe it's ok that that frustrates us).
Maybe it is ok if for a moment when we are disappointed, we turn to our Father in Heaven and ask why such burdens have to be our own, or why He seems to have forgotten us.
Maybe as we sit on the curb outside of Disney Land at four in the morning it's ok that we start crying.
This broken moment is where the learning happens. We need it to have a complete lesson learned.
But before we let despair overcome us, let's call our Father in Heaven a few more times.
Let's wait and see for ourselves that all fourth watches end.
Let's believe that when our sweet Dad does show up to get us, he will have a large ice cream cone in hand. He will apologize and explain to us why he couldn't come sooner. Then he will begin to tell us the story of how in our lonely night, we have become everything he had hoped we would become.
He didn't leave us there unknowingly.
He had a plan all along.