You know how they say that God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle? Well lyme disease put God to the test on his word in 2015. Turns out it’s true. It’s like when you go running, and you are totally convinced that there is no way you will make it to the next lamp post in front of you. Somehow though, if you push yourself, you can miraculously make it past TWO lamp posts and still live to tell the tale. This year, I got closer to breaking than I ever had before, and somehow here I am… still enduring past miles and miles of lamp posts.
This summer I spent every day for two months hooked up to IV bags full of nasty antibiotics. Honestly the treatment is fairly similar to chemo. The drugs burn out anything good in order to kill what is bad. They were so powerful that I would try as hard as I could to sleep through each infusion. When I was awake I was constantly praying that God would help me through it. Once again, he was good on His word. I would come out on the other side exhausted, but stronger than I was when I started.
I spent nine months of 2015 with a pic-line in my arm. Oh let me tell you, this little thing made my dating life particularly entertaining. I once infused on a date while mini-golfing.The guy held my IV while I putted. The drugs affected my nervous system and made me twitch all over the place. Many a date included someone saying, “what’s wrong with your eyebrows?” Or, “My you have such active eyebrows!” Uh….Thank you….?
About a month into this summer’s treatment, I got a blood clot in my pic-line. This was a big no no. The line goes through your arm, past your neck and right next to your heart. If the clot were to break off it could kill you. After a couple of trips to the ER my physician finally had me pull it. This was a pain because it meant that for the last month of treatment I would have to get my drugs from a peripheral IV. We are talking daily needle stabs all over my arms and hands. I began to feel more like a pin-cushion than a person. The drugs were so acidic that I could feel them burn my veins as they went in. It felt like pushing a hot curling iron onto my skin. The drugs were so powerful that they would blow through my veins like crazy, making it so I was constantly having to get a new IV put in. Me and my nurse became BEST FRIENDS.
The most insane day of 2015 was in September. It was totally bananas! My IV stopped working and I had to go get a nurse to put a new one in in the middle of the day. The time it took to get it changed forced me to take my IV pole on campus with me. This is the only way I could make it to class as well as infuse. I’ve done some weird things in my lyme days, but that for sure takes the cake. That night I was going to Taylor Swifts concert. I got all ready to go, and as I put on my jacket I felt something slip out of my skin. SWEEEEEET. My brand new IV had ALREADY fallen out! I was livid. I still needed to infuse my drugs that night before the show and now I didn’t have an IV to infuse with! I called my nurse and she met me at the BYU Salt Lake Center just across from the arena Taylor was performing at. I figured it was a clean enough building. We snuck in and spent the next hour stabbing needle after needle into my arm without ever catching a vein. Finally we were down to our last one and I asked her if I could say a prayer. Low and behold the final stick caught a vein! Wow. Heavenly Father truly answers prayers! At this point I was going to have to infuse during the concert. So there I stood jamming out to “Bad Blood” With a pole standing next to me and drugs going in. Thank you to all the kind people who let me stand on the end and ignored the pole in front of their faces. You’re all saints. Oh and a special thank you to Lucy for putting up with all of this madness. Heaven knows this isn’t the first time this has happened.
I finished treatment crawling over the finish line. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of relief I felt as that last IV was pulled. I never knew how tough this body could be until that day. As unbearable as it was, I made it to the other side. I have learned that God can’t always answer our prayer to overcome as quickly as we would like. But I know that when we pray for the power to endure, he rushes to sustain us. That doesn’t mean that it is easy, but it does mean that we can do it.
Where is my cure?
When will my cure come?
Why on earth is my cure not here yet?
Near the end of this year I discovered that I have been using the wrong word all this time. I’m not looking for curing, I am looking for healing. I was taught that curing is fast and usually happens while someone is in surgery. Healing involves the recovery and takes time. Healing ALWAYS comes from the Savior, and healing ALWAYS involves suffering.
Why would something that comes from our loving Savior have to involve suffering? The answer is simple to say but difficult to understand amidst pain. He cares far more about our progression than he does our comfort.
2015 was not the year I was cured. But it was still a year of healing.
These past few years were nothing like I had planned or hoped for. But because of the Gospel, education, loyal friends, and loving family…. I have a life that’s good.
Here’s to praying for a miracle in 2016.